RVD's Bathroom Reader

*Remember: Click date for picture corresponding to entry

news for April 5th>

I recently read a story from a while back about a gay man who committed suicide because it wasn't legal for him to marry. The story was supposed to show the terrible effects that anti-gay-marriage legislation has on gays. However, this is inherently stupid, and any amount of common sense will tell you that man killed himself pretty much for nothing, and thus deserves to be dead, as all people that stupid do. Yes, the government was keeping him from getting "married", but was the government keeping him from buying a ring? Was the government keeping him from proposing to his partner? From inviting his friends to, and having, a wedding ceremony? was the government keeping him from telling anyone who might care that he was married to his partner? No. The government simply would not give him a wedding certificate and a bunch of stupid tax breaks that accompany it. A piece of paper, and some money. The man killed himself for a piece of paper and tax money. Moral of the story is "I'm glad I don't have comments on my blog to hear the backlash from this one"

news for May 28th>

So this is old news, but it's been stirring around in my infallible cranium for weeks and got to the point I had to rant about it. What I'm referring to is the story of the flying of the Air Force One plane by the statue of liberty for a "photo op" that scared the hell out of New York. Can I get a year check please? What's that? It's 2009? So... does that mean that computers have been around for about 20 years now? It does? SO WHY THE F*** DIDNT THE GOVERNMENT JUST PHOTOSHOP THE DAMN PLANE NEXT TO THE STATUE OF LIBERTY? I would like to tell the idiots who worked on this "photo op" that MS paint and a 13 year old could replace them all. It scares me to think of how many of our nation's best and brightest in government didn't think of the consequences of this or the alternatives. It's mind boggling.

In other news, I'm getting evicted from my house in 2 days and have no place to live, so I'm going to live in a tent down by the river. Luckily Mitch and I started a beard growing competition a few weeks ago so I've already got the homeless look down. Now I just need to learn how to cook eggs on a hot rock, learn to enjoy Steel Reserve 40's and acquire a nice collection of Minnesota Vikings t-shirts to wear every day and I'll be a bonafide hobo. Moral of the story: "maybe I'll have to rename this website "RVD's Hole in the ground behind a large bush Reader"

news for February 17th>

Well, the Tripod Gestapo apparently made a raid on my page and found it to be in violation of a few things, so after years of banner free bathroom reader it's now tainted by those types of retarded ads only really crappy sites have (YOU'RE THE 1,000,000th VISITOR! CLICK HERE TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!). Although the last time I wrote I wasn't even in the nursing program, I am now "balls deep" in that mfr. Today we went to a church and for 7 hours soaked old people's feet, clipped their toenails, cleaned ear wax out of their ears, and did just an assortment of vile things that no human should ever have to do to another human being. After mass the priest came out and wanted me to rub lotion on his dry back, so there I was, in a side conference room, oiling up the Father. At one point a toenail shot up from a disgusting foot and got caught between my lips. Moral of the story is "My life is not one of happiness"

news for August 19th>

I recently returned from a trip to Oregon where I spent most of my time in the background searching for abandoned beers to pound whilst keeping the other eye open for dark corners to duck into as to avoid the 101st question regarding why I haven't graduated from college yet. During one of the times where there was neither the forsaken beverage nor a hiding crevasse I sat for hours listening to my relatives exchange stories. Here is the best -

From My Grandma :

"We were on vacation sometime in the 70's, driving down Highway One which winds back and forth along the coast of California. Nancy (my mom) and Lyle (my uncle) both got carsick very easily, so they're both in the backseat of the car puking into these empty coffee cans that we had back there. Pretty soon we turn a bend and we see this line of people ahead blocking the road. As we got closer we see that they're a bunch of hippies with signs that said 'FOOD' on them. They were stretched across the road and they weren't going to move until we gave them some food. Well we put some lids on those coffee cans and handed them out the window and they let us right by". Moral of the story - "hippies have always been lazy freeloaders"

news for March 9th>

Sometimes I hate people, especially Americans. Real Dumb Americans. The kind of Americans that go and see any movie that has a pun as its title. "Who's Your Caddy?" "Delta Farce" "Witless Protection" (Note that two of those are both Larry the Cable Guy movies, the single biggest scurge to the entertainment industry since MAD TV started). If I were president I would have a secret project where everyone who went to a larry the cable guy movie got stamped with invisible, permanent ink. Then when elections came you would have to scan your hands through a black light and anyone with the stamp could not vote. If you aren't smart enough to avoid a movie like "Witless Protection", you are not smart enough to have any say in choosing our representatives.

Anyways, the reason I wanted to go on this rant is a news story. Boeing was competing with European companies to supply the Air Force with refueling tankers. After Boeing was found to be corrupt and had two executives jailed for fraud and deception, AND their designs found to be much less efficient than the European company's, the contract was given overseas. Now I see these protests, where big idiots like moustache man above, are holding signs that say "American Workers=Best Tankers". Well, actually no, you big ignorant hicks, or else it would have been built here. American workers didn't come up with the best design. American workers lied to the government. American workers didn't get the job. I want to go to the protest and hold up a sign that says "Best Tankers=Best Tankers". I'm not big into tankers or anything, I'm just big into ranting about dumb southern morons. Moral of the story is "the south is like the embarrassing uncle of the United States"

news for September 8th>

Last saturday I was was working my last awake overnight at spyglass. I got in and mitch told me that the cat, "midnight", had gotten out sometime during the day and asked me if I could walk around the house every once in a while and look for it.

So i'm cozying down eating some pizza and watching a movie when I remember that I'm supposed to go out and look for the cat, so I get up, and I go outside and I start walking around the house yelling the cat's name. Well, I get around to the other side of the house and I look in the street and there's these two people and their dog and they're just standing at the end of the driveway looking at me. I start to walk towards them to ask them if they've seen the cat and they turn around and move to the other side of the street and keep walking. I was very confused as to why they did this until I went inside and saw that the time was 12:03. I had just come out of a known group home and walked around the house yelling out the current time of day over and over.

news for May 24th>

This is from an article about a gas station that shut down for a day in "protest" of gas prices:

"Maria McClory, 38, drove 10 miles out of her way to buy a diet soda from Pollack's station after seeing local television coverage of the protest.

'I just wanted to support them and thank them for making a statement,' said McClory, who drives about 100 miles a day for work in her sport utility vehicle.

The Mequon station sells about 3,500 gallons of gas a day, Pollack said. He estimated the station would lose only $1,500 on the protest because some losses in gas would be made up by people buying convenience store items or more gas on Friday."

Now I know that these people are a bunch of idiot Sconnie's which is the only thing keeping me from jumping off of my roof right now, but this is just unbelievable. It's the same thing as the "don't pump gas on a certain day" concept - a 3rd grader could figure out the concept of supply and demand and tell you that zero gas one day + driving the same amount (or more in the case of dumb ass who drove MORE to support the "protest" = SAME AMOUNT OF FUCKING GAS. Moral of the story is "no wonder some people want to move to Canada"

news for April 23rd>

This is a ridiculous piece of news I found the other day about a woman who killed her husband, chopped up his body and then put the pieces in suitcases and threw them into a river. She bought a gun two days before the murder, forged a prescription for a powerful sedative the day of the murder, and on top of those two incredibly obvious indicators that she was the murderer...

"Prosecutors also highlighted Internet searches made from the couple's apartment on topics such as "undetectable poisons" and "ways to kill people."

Moral of the story is "good thing only idiots commit murder otherwise nobody would get caught"

news for February 11th>

The other day my mom and I got into an argument over music. When I criticized a song she enjoyed she said to me "well, whatever. It's art, and art is subjective to taste." This may be true, but if art is subjective, then let's take the current state of the art of music and look at it through a different sort of art to find out why I hated that song.

Let's take sculpting as an example. First, a huge million dollar sculpting company hires a marketing team to find out what's "cool" in society. They report back to the sculpting company executives, who then hire out professional commercial sculpters to make a statue based on their information. The contractors make a statue, but why can't the company sell it? because they need a professional presenter of the statue. It is no longer about the art, it's about selling the product. To do this, they tell the team not to finish the piece, to leave something out of it, so the sculpters don't paint it. Now they need a painter. There are thousands of painters out there who can put the finishing touches on this piece, but the record company knows what they need - a girl with a pretty face and big knockers. They bring one in to do it, and then tell her to take full credit for everything. Is that statue art? No, it is an exploitation of what is cool at the time, manufactured by a professional team and then slapped with a busty babe to market it.

Now if you were a studier of real art, and were in a museum with a piece of legitimate art put together by an art student or a professional sitting right next to the statue pumped out as a product to satisfy young kids struggling to fit in and someone pointed at that one and said "that is better than the one you like" it would piss you off a little bit right? Case in point. Moral of the story is "Nickelback is not music"

news for December 4th>

I saw a commercial the other day that pissed me off so bad I wrote down the name of the company and vowed never to buy any of their products for the rest of my life. I don't know where the paper is now and I've already forgotten the company but I'll tell you about it anyways. There's this guy in some pompous sweater vest and dress pants standing in front of some snazzy car. He starts by saying something like "when I was young, I dreamed about buying a motorcycle and going across the country, wind in my hair, seeing the sights of the world" and then the camera pans out and there is the smug little bastard with his queer comb over standing by his shiny car in front of a huge house and then he says "I don't want to do that anymore" and walks towards his house. The commercial of course was for the car, the message being something along the lines of "if you too are a pompous asshole who has traded in his dreams to sit behind a desk for 50 hours a week and be a yes man for The Man in order to obtain useless material goods and therefore lose your soul, than boy have we got a car for you." Moral of the story is "asshole"

news for November 19th>

In response to criticisms about my site, I drew a picture of a monster eating Lindsay Lohan while riding a magic carpet. I'll be back in a month. Moral of the story is "buy my book"

news for October 9th>

I was walking to class today and I felt something hit my foot so I looked down and it was my ears. They had frozen off in the 18 degree weather we're having in the middle of October and fallen to the earth. Not really though to any gullible idiots reading this. Anyways so I get to campus and go on a computer to read the weather report and I find it - A wonderful Minnesota high of 40 degrees, low of 20 and hey - what's this? They throw in a boat and beach forecast in with it. I know as my rear end was turning into an assicle walking up the hill I was just thinking "yea, it might suck on this hill, but I'll be damned if I wouldnt want to be at the beach right now soaking up this weather" Anyways. I'm writing a book with the answers to life's questions with some fart and poop jokes mixed in. Look for it in the "new york times best sellers" section soon. Moral of the story is "I don't see any link between cigarette smoking and cancer."

news for July 9th>

Thought I'd post this kind of ridiculous news thing that I found. Here's this serious article about Kraft buying overseas competition with a picture of no other than Dr. Evil as the photo to go along with. Seriously. What the hell. Anyways, congrats to Italy on their world cup victory. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now that the tournament is over. Guess I'll have to rejoin the world. Moral of the story is "Giraldo Rivera's Moustache can do the electric worm."

news for May 2nd>

I was out sitting on the porch with Mitch and Tyler and some other dudes a few weeks back on a nice day when some local crazy guy walked by. He was about the 20th insane person to walk by in the last half hour so we didn't think of anything until he stopped, turned to us and said "Y'all want some beers?" At first we were horrified that one of the crazies had stopped to talk, but then we realized that he was just a homeless crackhead and we were quite relieved. He came up to us and just started pulling beers out of random places - jacket sleeves, under his belt, his pant legs. It was wild. So we all got a few free Budweiser selects and as we were sitting there sipping on our free beer he started to tell us the most ridiculous stories. He told us that him and his uncles used to run mankato, that they owned like all the big social buildings and everybody knew them. They even had a name for their posse - They were "the lions". Then he told us that he'd been drunk since 5:30 AM, when he had stolen the Budweisers off of a beer truck. Finally, the point came when his lies were getting so ridiculous that he told us about a secret illigal pool shark hideout right down the street from us and said that if we knocked and said his name as the password they would let us in. After that story we had to ask him if he did crack, which he very unapologetically admitted to, almost to the point of praising crack cocaine. Then we asked this 50 year old, toothless, lying, homeless crackhead if he smoked pot and I kid you not he said this. "no man, that shit'll ruin your life" Moral of the story is "don't smoke pot. it will ruin your life"

news for March 17th>

I was at work today (my last week of it, thank god) doing the same thing I do every day, which of course is trying to do the least amount of work possible and get away with it. So i'm standing there, i've got my press set up to spit out about one page of a 300 page order every 3 seconds or so, guarenteeing me 900 seconds of pure zone-out time, which i was taking advantage of. Suddenly, my zone out was interrupted by the sound of a hammer striking the floor right behind me. I turned around and our mustached janitor was just beating the cement ground mercilessly with a hammer. He was right in my way so I asked him what he was doing and he turns around and looks at me, just sweating profusely from the exertion of pounding and half yells "I'm hammering the floor!" and goes right back to doing it. Then I went on my 15 minute break for 45 minutes. The end. Moral of the story is "I hate working for minimum wage while people with GED's manage me"

news for February 14th>

Yea it's been exactly a month to the day since i last said anything in here. I got a threatening facebook message so i got scared into doing this. First off, let me tell you about MY life right now. First i'll start with our house. There is some monstrous animal living in our walls scratching nonstop. The thing sounds so big that we're afraid it's trying to break through our walls and eat us alive. Secondly, my window has been broken in my room for over a month and a half. It's the middle of the FNG WINTER and i have a BROKEN WINDOW. I swear to god i'm going to sue. This leads me to the coldness of our house. On a day that is below zero outside, the average temperature of our house stands around 45 degrees. On a day below zero, we can see our breath anywhere in the house. Our furnace was set to keep our house at a measly 55 degrees, and our bill was almost 400 dollars. 400 hundred dollars to heat a 4 bedroom house at 55 degrees. Our furnace is now set at 45 degrees, the lowest it can go without the pipes freezing and breaking. Sometimes, I have to stop doing my homework, and go run hot water over my hands because my hands are too cold to type or write anymore. Our toilet leaked poop and piss water from our bathroom into our kitchen for a week before anyone came, and the tiles are still missing from when they finally fixed it so we have a big hole in our ceiling. Now to my personal life. I wake up at 8 am every day and go to a job at a printing press. I get ink all over my clothes, hands and face so i have to shower when i come home. By the time i'm done showering and eating, i go to night class, come home do homework, and go to bed, freezing ass cold of course. That's my life. I wish i was dead. Moral of the story is "i can't type any more. My hands are numb"

news for January 14th>

I decided to re-issue the gorilla video for no good reason besides that a couple people have asked me in the past to. They probably have completely forgotten about that anyways so whatever. So mitch had this job at the gas station, but it sucked so he quit and the day before he left, he left a note for his boss, Warren that read as follows:

Warren - I think that my time at Stadium Gas and Groceries has expired, just like most of your produce has. I've come to realize during these past few shifts that I can't go on living a lie any longer. I realized that i'm not contributing to my society - I'm detrimental to it. Crackpipes, snuff, cigars, out-dated meats and cheeses - these are all things that hurt people. I don't want to hurt people, which is why i'm leaving. My last day here will be two weeks from today. Oh yes, and X-rated paper grab-bags will get you nowhere in life. I hope that during this holiday season, Jesus touches your heart in a way it has never been touched. Love and peace, Mitch.

Moral of the story is "boom"

news for December 16th>

En Route to a party last night, Joe and I decided we needed to pee really bad, so we went and succeeded in getting into the crazy people's complex across the street. After urinating, we looked around for a while to see what kind of crazy stuff we could find. As we were leaving, we found a note on a door that read as follows:

WARNING!

ANOTHER THIEF IS AMONG US

Someone stole a set of rose colored queen sized sheets after they were done drying last sunday.
A modest reward is offered for their return, no questions asked
Failing that, the reward will be paid for the identity of the theif. call (#) for any other particulars

*failing all else, a curse from an actual voo-doo witch will be cast upon the theif, insuring that those stolen sheets will soon be soaking up the theif's blood.

moral of the story is "i am now officially scared to live in my house"

news for November 26th>

Thanksgiving was wonderful. lots of good food, good company, fun times. I can't really say the same about today though. I won't describe exactly what happened, but I will say that the turkey, corn and mashed potatoes sure tasted a lot better going down then they did coming up. I spent a good portion of my day laying on the couch next to a mop bucket, watching cartoons. It was during this time that I saw something that made me very angry. There was an ad sandwiched between the incessant toy commercials showing people gardening, washing their car, walking the dog, etc. At the end it said "DO > groove your body 3 times a day for 10 minutes". I was absolutely stunned. Are we really at a point in evolutionary history when organizations have to pool money together to make TV commercials telling people to get off their fat asses for a half hour a day? It's absolutely ridick. Moral of the story is "with the rate of de-evolution going on, banana companies should be making a fortune soon"

news for November 16th>

I was applying for a job online today and I was looking through the open positions and reading job descriptions and the experience necessary and it was all really tough stuff. One was like "must have 3 years experience managing 15+ individuals in a factory setting" etc. and i thought I was screwed. Then I clicked on one that said "Scaler" and all it said was this:

Required Skills or Experience: Ability to stand and walk

boom. Moral of the story is "i can just see a guy in a wheelchair trying to apply, clicking that link, and lowering his head"

news for November 8th>

I did a presentation on the guitar in one of my classes today, and everything was going fine for a while. I turned on the amp, and played one of my demonstration songs, it sounded good and everything was going alright. Then I turned it to the channel with disortion and kicked on the Wah pedal for a hendrix song i was going to play. I was getting no sound, so i messed around with some levels. Still nothing. So in a last ditch effort to save my presentation, i went back to the clean channel, kicked on the wah again and played a note. IT WAS SOOOOO LOUD. people were like screaming in pain and running down the halls to figure out what the hell was going on, i started to panic, turned the volume knob all the way down and hit the note again and i think i blasted a kid's head off the second time it was so loud still. finally i got it quieter, not quiet by any means but to a tolerable decimal level and played the song. it didn't really matter because the kid's ears were probably too full of blood from the sonic blasts to hear anything. Moral of the story is "its a good idea to get your shit together before going in front of a class"

news for October 22nd>

Quick Observation: Almost every sports team that has ever played has a name preceded by the name of the city that the team plays in. For example, the cincinatti bengals, the toronto raptors, the san diego padres, the cleveland browns, the list goes on and on for every team out there. Then there's minnesota. Every team that minnesota has is just minnesota something. Minnesota vikings, twins, wild, gophers. I don't get it. Do we want to give the impression that we are hicks that don't have large cities or am I just missing something. Random observation being done, i am obliged to say that pictures have been changed and the news archives have been cleaned. I'm outie like belly buttons that arent quite up to standard. Moral of the story is "chumbawumba - tubthumping"

news for October 18th>

as i think i've mentioned before, we have this big apartment complex full of nutjobs right across the street from our house, and there's this one lady who yells everything she says in a really angry tone so you think there's like a fight going or something so you stop and listen and she's yelling some insignificant shit like "MY PANTS WERE TOO SMALL AROUND THE WAIST" or "I HUNG THE CLOTHES ON THE LINE". she is so loud that the other day i woke up to her yelling something about cooking on medium high and pancake batter in a tone that sounded like she was about to start throwing punches at her fellow cooker if they even existed, the fn nut. moral of the story is "i have nightmares about black-gloves lady"

news for October 2nd>

Rant time. Girls and cameras. can't stand it. Girls will make entire photo albums and go through the trouble of setting up online accounts so that the whole world can see the 10,000 freaking pictures that they took of themselves and their friends drunk at some party that nobody cares about. there could be 500 people at a party and somehow the only thing captured will be the same 4 girls with their arms around each other and some random kid recycled throughout the night. indece. moral of the story is "what are fat pants?"

news for September 17th>

yea sure it's been a month since my last update but hey. you can s a d if you dont like it. anywho, on with the anecdotes. so you know in zoolander how he can't turn left? he has to do like a 270 degree right turn to go left. Well at my new house in mankato, we live right across the street from a huge brick building that houses mentally disabled people so we have plenty of real characters walking around all the time. This one really creepy lady always walks past our house with a briefcase and black gloves, comes to the corner and does a big 270 degree turn at the corner to turn left, goes up a few blocks, does another 270 degree turn and goes back. I can't believe that there are actually people in this world who are not ambi-turners. wasn't that supposed to be a joke? craziness. anywho other such characters that walk by are "happy down syndrome guy", "black socks man" and "creepy trenchcoat lady". I'll leave it up to you to make a mental image of these head cases. Moral of the story is "see you next month"

news for August 17th>

I sit in the midst of walls surrounded by dilbert comic strip pinups and photos of people who are probably desperately trying to remind themselves that they have a life outside of those four fuzzy 5 foot walls. They're lying to themselves though because I'll be the first to tell you that when I get home at 6 and have to get up at 7am the next morning, the life is over. Sometimes after hearing someone say something like "No Carol we have to manually composite document 127B.001 into the pdf to bookmark the chronicle submission" I have to sneak into the scanner room and listen to some music for a few minutes to make sure i dont lose my soul. Moral of the story is "i'd rather be a hobo"

news for August 14th>

The festival of hats was a smashing success. herbie hatcock made an appearance, the hi-hat was in full effect, and stupid hats from all over the world made their one and god willing only appearance into the public eye. hats off to all. Personally enjoyed the first night better than i did the second. probably because the 2nd night, i was so drunk that (and this was all told to me the next day) I was yelling belligerently unintelligble things into a microphone extremely loudly and had to be escorted away, only to reappear 10 minutes later running with a football helmet on, holding a big box and yelling about trapping bats. Moral of the story is "i'm retarded"

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