RVD's Bathroom Reader <body>




                                                              



News Archives


news for October 18th>

as i think i've mentioned before, we have this big apartment complex full of nutjobs right across the street from our house, and there's this one lady who yells everything she says in a really angry tone so you think there's like a fight going or something so you stop and listen and she's yelling some insignificant shit like "MY PANTS WERE TOO SMALL AROUND THE WAIST" or "I HUNG THE CLOTHES ON THE LINE". she is so loud that the other day i woke up to her yelling something about cooking on medium high and pancake batter in a tone that sounded like she was about to start throwing punches at her fellow cooker if they even existed, the fn nut. moral of the story is "i have nightmares about black-gloves lady"

news for October 2nd>

Rant time. Girls and cameras. can't stand it. Girls will make entire photo albums and go through the trouble of setting up online accounts so that the whole world can see the 10,000 freaking pictures that they took of themselves and their friends drunk at some party that nobody cares about. there could be 500 people at a party and somehow the only thing captured will be the same 4 girls with their arms around each other and some random kid recycled throughout the night. indece. moral of the story is "what are fat pants?"

news for September 17th>

yea sure it's been a month since my last update but hey. you can s a d if you dont like it. anywho, on with the anecdotes. so you know in zoolander how he can't turn left? he has to do like a 270 degree right turn to go left. Well at my new house in mankato, we live right across the street from a huge brick building that houses mentally disabled people so we have plenty of real characters walking around all the time. This one really creepy lady always walks past our house with a briefcase and black gloves, comes to the corner and does a big 270 degree turn at the corner to turn left, goes up a few blocks, does another 270 degree turn and goes back. I can't believe that there are actually people in this world who are not ambi-turners. wasn't that supposed to be a joke? craziness. anywho other such characters that walk by are "happy down syndrome guy", "black socks man" and "creepy trenchcoat lady". I'll leave it up to you to make a mental image of these head cases. Moral of the story is "see you next month"

news for August 17th>

I sit in the midst of walls surrounded by dilbert comic strip pinups and photos of people who are probably desperately trying to remind themselves that they have a life outside of those four fuzzy 5 foot walls. They're lying to themselves though because I'll be the first to tell you that when I get home at 6 and have to get up at 7am the next morning, the life is over. Sometimes after hearing someone say something like "No Carol we have to manually composite document 127B.001 into the pdf to bookmark the chronicle submission" I have to sneak into the scanner room and listen to some music for a few minutes to make sure i dont lose my soul. Moral of the story is "i'd rather be a hobo"

news for August 14th>

The festival of hats was a smashing success. herbie hatcock made an appearance, the hi-hat was in full effect, and stupid hats from all over the world made their one and god willing only appearance into the public eye. hats off to all. Personally enjoyed the first night better than i did the second. probably because the 2nd night, i was so drunk that (and this was all told to me the next day) I was yelling belligerently unintelligble things into a microphone extremely loudly and had to be escorted away, only to reappear 10 minutes later running with a football helmet on, holding a big box and yelling about trapping bats. Moral of the story is "i'm retarded"

news for July 28th>

This story will be old news for a lot of people but good god i update like once a month now and its getting ridiculous. maybe i should apply for a new foreign exchange kid and keep him in a cage. that'll make for some interesting material at least. anywho on to the ridiculousness. Telemarketer call I received around last week:

TM : Hi Ryan, since you've been such a good customer we'd like to give you two free magazines for a year
Me : Really? wow that's great. do you have turkey magazine?
TM : Uhhhh. (laughs) is that like turkey hunting or like, turkey turkey?
Me : Turkey turkey
TM : (laughs again) ooookay well let me look.......okay it shows here that we have hunter's monthly, martha stewart's living and Hunter's Dogs
Me : Ummmmmm. could you tell me like what exactly those have to do with turkeys? cos i'm looking for some serious turkey content here

(TM and I start laughing hysterically. i hang up)

Moral of the story is "I beasted her S"


news for July 16th>

work has only succeeded in getting more bizarre since i began. the other day one of my coworkers took the no dress code policy too far and started working without a shirt on. Then, in protest, the extremely fat kid took his shirt off. then in protest of the fat kid who always disappears so he doesnt have to do work, the first kid who took his shirt off says he's not going to work until we "find him" so he runs off and hides. so we all hit up the break room and steal the manager's walkie talkies and go search for him paging each other over the intercom with locations we looked and some other ridiculous things like "i found him...oh wait that's a water heater". Someone spots him poking out of one of the overhead bins. our new ghetto black lady with huge ghetto booty manager comes in. shirts go back on immediately and work resumes. moral of the story is "fat men should wear bras"

news for June 6th>

i've got this very indecent new job at home depot doing the overnight freight pulling shift. basically i go in and start at 9pm pulling heavy objects around the store. when that finishes i start carrying heavy boxes around for a few hours. Finally when i'm done doing that, i begin to carry heavy boxes up and down ladders for an hour or two. at about 5am i start carrying hundred pound pallets around and stacking them. By 6am i stumble out the front doors a broken man. I then go to bed and wake up at about 5pm leaving me a whole 3 hours to enjoy my summer per day. i wish i was m fn dead. sometimes at work i will just go in the kitchen department behind the cabinet displays with my radio and just hide for like a half an hour. I'm also good at throwing products on top of refrigerators when i can't find where they go. Another beastly thing to do is making up fake projects that i'm working on to my manager so that i can sit around and do nothing and then when she asks me how the project's coming i can tell her it's finished and she tells me i'm doing a good job. if all else fails, i usually grab any old product from my department and climb a ladder. If anyone walks by, i'm on a ladder with a product in my hand - nobody's gonna think i'm not doing anything. suckas. moral of the story is "no respectable job will ever make you wear a harness"

news for May 15th>

well, my brother graduates on friday and he and his buddy Fox were celebrating college-style wandering around on campus when they came across a campus security golf cart with the keys in it. So they kind of laughed about the keys and kept going home and ended up falling asleep piss ass drunk in front of the TV. Wait... no they didn't. Fox jumped in that golf cart, turned that sucker on and floored it back to their frat house. After about 2 hours of joy riding it around sidewalks and streets, they drove over to their rival frat's house, parked it in their front yard and called security on them and ran away. BEASTING IT. then they fell asleep piss ass drunk in front of the tv. I'm not sure about that last part but it's a pretty safe bet. Moral of the story is "every time i update, i thank god that i will have at least 3 days before people start complaining again"

news for April 30th>

My roomate is just about the biggest loser to ever walk the planet. His daily routine is to roll out of bed onto the couch and turn on the tv. every hour or two he will take a few bong rips and cook some mac and cheese. Barring the event that he actually goes to class, he will continue the tv/bong rips/mac and cheese process for about 13 hours and then climb back into bed. he is so lazy that sometimes he just sleeps on the couch so that he doesnt even have to get out of bed in the morning. he also set up his cooking utensils right next to the couch so he doesnt have to stand up to cook, and he told me he pisses in the sink in our room when i'm gone so he doenst have to get up and walk down the hall to the bathroom. This kid is so stupid, that almost every time i watch something on the tv with him, he will turn to me and proceed to tell me EXACTLY what we both just watched detail for detail. we were watching cops the other day and they explained how russia has no police brutality laws and then it showed a bunch of clips of russian police officers beating the crap out of people. we watched this for a half an hour and when the program ended he turned to me and said "did you know in russia they dont have police brutality laws so the russians just go around beating the crap out of people breaking the law. there were these liquor smugglers coming through the city..." and he went on to relate every detail of the show we had just watched with me sitting right next to him. I was like are you kidding me? i was sitting right next to you. he does that ALL THE TIME. I wish i was dead. Moral of the story is "don't cook bacon with your shirt off. grease can fly"

news for April 23rd>

about 10 minutes ago, at about 5:30 a.m., i was sitting ass naked in the middle of the room on an absolutely filthy floor gluing cut out pieces of paper in the shapes of triangles and circles onto the back of my roomate's alcohol substance rehabilition program form for a project when it struck me - i'm ready for summer. Moral of the story is "i'm still naked"

news for April 10th>

I'm going to tell you the most indecent story of all time. If you want to die happy, exit now.

schmitty walks into the pump n' munch to purchase some moist chocolate morsels. all of a sudden elana shnuer bursts in and splurts "chad at the registrars office needs you to come speak to the bursar about his crusty flapjacks!". "oh fiddlesicks" thinks Schmitty as he runs to see chad. "oh no chad, is that chunky pork you've inserted into your flapjacks?" asked schmitty when he went to see chad's problem. "yes, and the chunky pork is pussing and bulging all over, i can't eat it orally unless i use lube, but i dont have any of that ointment laying around. and besides, i dont want to get a blood clot". Schmitty tells chad to keep his panties on and not bung pork creme and heads back to the pump n munch. Moral of the story is "don't ever say "Get R Done". this saying is very, very indecent"

news for March 26th>

Dudes, worst week of my life. As I said last update I got my wisdom teeth removed and it has been awful. After discovering the joys of painkillers and sedating myself into never-never-land for 3 days, i had no more for when the actual pain set in. My cheeks quickly puffed up like two balloons. It got so ridiculous I just had to take a picture of myself. So I'm in McDonalds today and this stupid looking fat kid comes in and asks the kid at the register "do you guys have McChickens?" IT'S MCDonalds YOU IDIOT! Do you think they're going to have MCChickens? you're not going to find a MCanything at anyplace other than McDonalds. imbecile. Moral of the story is "kids - don't buy drugs. become a rock star and they give them to you for free"

news for March 18th>

The other day I realized how out of control the nickname's for my friends have gotten when someone asked me who all was home for spring break and I replied "the dick, skank, ballsack, nuts, penis, and shlong are all back for this week and uncle sack-sack and them are off next week" and then my friend who asked me was just like "is that it?". If anyone else had heard that they would have just been appalled. Anywho so i got my wisdom teeth removed yesterday and i got mad drugged and afterwords i was sitting in this room with two chairs and a curtain with my mom, and she tried to put an ice pack over my face and i go "mom, stop it. you're blocking my view" and she goes "view? we're sitting in a room with nothing but 3 white walls and a curtain?" and kept staring at this curtain and said "mom, can you talk to me later? i'm tripping balls right now." I was so messed up. I reacted better than one of my friends who woke up and started telling the doctor how stupid he was because his mouth hurt. moral of the story is "ojay oleyfay"

news for February 17th>

My friend steve told me this ridiculous story the other day. He said he went down to the local gas station and asked them if they had any take 5 candy bars. The guy goes "yea, we've got one left, but somebody already called in and reserved it". wtf. can you imagine that? Somebody comes into the store "hey, um...my name's john i called in 15 minutes ago and uh... put a candy bar on hold". pretty wierd. So if you go to college and your college has a deal with pepsi and you're bored, you should go around to all the recycle bins around your campus and take off caps and get free itunes songs. I don't know why people throw them away but they do. We found 83 in one day yesterday. Moral of the story is "i'm glad my nickname is not compact z"

news for February 17th>

I can't stand when i look in somebody's profile and there's a crappy song about love in there. I always read a few lines in just to see if it's maybe a cool song or quote then i realize it's boyz 2 men blabbering off love buzzwords like "together forever" and "beautiful". let me see if i can find a few here. yup. I wish i was dead, here's a few lines -

cant get up when your gone. somethings breakin up, i feel like givin up, i wont walk out until u know.

But i continue learning, I never meant to do those things to you

indecent. Moral of the story is "professing your love on the internet is the ultimate in nerdliness"

news for January 31st>

I'm really sick right now and like, i always get really congested when i'm sick to the point where i have to clear my throat every 5 minutes and blow my nose every 10 or i can't even talk. sometimes, if i forget to clear my throat for a while and then i try it, it sounds super gross. By the way there's a story behind this i'm not just babbling about nonsense. Anywho, so i'm sitting in class, and this super hot girl comes and sits next to me, and i'm sitting there and then i realized i hadnt cleared my throat in a while, so there was no way i could talk, and if i tried to clear it, it would sound really gross. So i'm just sitting there hoping she doesnt talk to me at all and of course, she turns to me and asks me what article we're supposed to have read for the next class. My mind is racing through my options of trying to talk in garbled sick speak if it's even possible, clearing my throat with jabba the hut type noises, or an alternative. well, luckily my wit and ingenuity once again came through in the clutch. I grabbed my notebook, tore a piece of paper out and wrote "I'm sorry, I'm mute. We have to read the "what are friend's for?" article for next week. hope that helps" and gave it to her. She said thanks, i excused myself to the bathroom and took care of business and saved my day. Now i just have to remember to never talk in that class. Moral of the story is "brilliant"

news for January 25th>

This morning on Maury: 13 year old Daniqua just miscarried but says she wants to have another baby so she doesnt have to go back to school. Tonight on fear factor: bikini-clad Miss USA supermodels compete for $5,000 by diving into a tank of dead fish and bile. At the bottom of the tank there are 8 thermoses. The one they need contains nothing, the other 7 contain dead fermented squid. If they want to keep diving for the winner, they must first eat the fermented squid. They say that drugs will make you lose your attention span and make you stupider. If you want to see a stupid person with a short attention span, find someone who watches shows like these. This crap should be illigal. Moral of the story is "it's all about the chain smoke kansas flash dance ass pants"

news for January 7th>

So how were everybody's holidays? i came away with some good crap. proabably my favorite was a battery powered jesus action figure/transformer with karate chop action. preference skills in magic. transforms into a model VW bug. this update sucks. you'd think after a month i'd have something funny. nope. moral of the story is "flapjacks"